Sometime to Return

On elections, despair, and climbing one's way out of the abyss

An accidental phone shot, captured on election night that feels apropos of everything.

A few weeks ago I started a draft post here on the subject of panic attacks and anxiety. It’s been a rough couple of months for various reasons and throughout the morass, it seems as though I’ve barely been hanging on by the proverbial thread.

And then.

I am still processing the results of this week’s election--not just the presidential outcome but also the general apparent shift rightward in this country—here in California even.

I would say that I am shocked except that somehow, I am not.

I am disappointed, devastated, angry, sad, and exhausted. I feel hopeless.

I am doing my best to not feel despair because as a famous writer once kindly advised me via social media, despair is not worth the time.

Still, I have no idea what to do right now, much less in the coming days, weeks, months, and years. And maybe, at least for the immediate presence, that is okay.

For the most part I have tried to allow myself a bit of a media blackout these last several days. Not because I am in denial, not because I live in a bubble, but because I might otherwise lose my fucking mind if I don’t allow myself some air.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still keeping up with the news but I’m largely avoiding election stories right now—not just because they’re hard to stomach but rather due to the glut of armchair quarterbacking on why progressives performed so dismally this year. Every single “answer” seems to simplify the results in grotesque measure. 

Truly, I should have enacted a social media blackout. Over the last several days my feed has been inundated with well-meaning folks telling other well-meaning folks how they should face the future.

Counterpoint: let us each grieve in the ways we need.

I do not want inspirational quotes.  I do not need scolding.

I need to sink into the abyss of my heartache until I’m ready to take a breath and claw my way out again. We will each arrive at our point of action in due time but for now let me just meme my way into the downfall of democracy. It’s the only way I’m managing even a modicum of sanity.

One thought, though. I have come to the grim realization that the first woman president may very well be a Republican/MAGA candidate. A Serena Joy type more than willing to carry water for the patriarchy. The kind of woman with whom certain sects of the population will find fewer grievances.

Please let me be wrong on this one. Perhaps. Was it just sexism that cost the election? Of course not. Racism, transphobia, xenophobia. The goddamned price of eggs. Sexism certainly played its significant, shitty role, however.

I’ll emerge from this fugue state eventually. Soon enough. For now, though, I am allowing all of the competing feelings and reactions to do their thing, as they will.

Anyway. Before the election I had made a playlist for my original panic attack post. Then, after, I thought about making a new one—one filled with the scathing rage of women.

But although I actually do have that playlist on the permanent ready, I decided instead to go with the original, a collection of songs meant as a gentle-ish, moody balm for the psyche, still feels appropriate. It’s included below, along with a few other things that have helped me find the light these last few days.

The Crawling Out of the Abyss Edit

1. Self Reflections: Maisy Stella, formerly of one of my favorite so-called guilty pleasure shows, Nashville, shines in My Old Ass, which also stars Aubry Plaza in this coming-of-age film about a young, college-bound woman who meets her future self during a wild mushroom trip. The ending of this film broke me into sobs, but in such a lovely way.

2. Lost Generations: Liz Moore’s “The God of the Woods” is a leisurely summer camp murder/thriller (Leisurely + thriller? It works!) that also mines family drama with elegant prose and wit.

3. Hello, Kitties: I have many a nit to pick with Disclaimer, the Apple+ series about a mourning parent turned avenger of his son’s death. Cait Blanchett and the show’s many cats however, kept me hooked. Read more about why director Alfonso Cuarón made them a critical part of the narrative here.

4. The Great Beyond: Speaking of animals, this New Yorker story on whether animals can comprehend the concept of death is a clear-eyed, fascinating read.

5. The Lost Daughter: Netflix’s Into the Fire is a true jaw-dropper of a true crime docuseries about a woman’s search for her biological daughter who went missing in 1989. Once you’ve finished, read The Atavist story on which it’s based.

And finally, some music: